Yes, You are Angry & Hurt

by Bill Klatte

During difficult times, especially in the days and months right after my separation, I often wondered how I could handle the hostility and pain of the divorce and my separation from my two daughters. But that I would handle it was not a question. I might fantasize about dropping out or lashing out, but I knew that I would never really give up on or try to poison my relationship with them.

They needed to know that I would be there for them forever. No matter what. They were little girls when I left their home. They were not able to know my importance in their lives. Knowing that is MY responsibility. Their mother could not see my importance. She was blinded by her own pain and anger. It was my responsibility to stay involved in a positive way.

That meant dealing with my own intense anger and hurt. I’ve seen many men change how they handle their emotions, and the process usually involves four stages. These four stages seem to happen naturally, but your awareness of them may help you get through them more quickly and with less difficulty.

1. Acknowledge your pain. A lot of men were raised to hide their feelings. Try not to block them from coming up—that way, they can work themselves out and free you to be the father your want to be for your children. When you’re sad, say so—to a trusted friend and to yourself. When you’re mad, acknowledge it. Don’t get busy withy distractions or minimize the feelings. Just acknowledge them.
2. Accept responsibility for your actions and commit to change. We have to stop blaming others and circumstances. We have to work on our own change. We do that by frequent reminders that we want things to be better for our children and ourselves, and by recognizing that we have the power to make things better. In fact, we have the power to change ourselves—while we have virtually no power to change someone else (such as an ex-wife).
3. Stop negative behaviors. This is a very important step—trying to not yell, swear, hit, or be negative. Observable changes are made. Other people notice. Good things start to happen and we develop confidence in our ability to change. We even start to feel good about ourselves for the first time since the breakup.
4. Replace negative thoughts and behaviors with positive thoughts and behaviors. We don’t just stop hitting the dog, we pet it. We replace negative, angry actions with positive, supportive ones. We don’t just stop fighting with others, we start making peace. That’s the best approach for our children—and for ourselves.

Adapted from “Live-Away Dads: Staying a Part of Your Children’s Lives When They Aren’t a Part of Your Home” by William C. Klate and used by permission.