Tips for Communicating With Your Dad

The following are suggestions from women and fathers on how an adult daughter can improve her relationship with her dad, stepdad, and/or other father figures in her life.

• Listen to him, even when he’s silent. Women often complain that men are socialized to “hide” their inner feelings. However, men always reveal feelings, but are socialized not to do it directly. Many men grow up without strong emotional literacy. The result? A father often has trouble expressing feelings in a way that helps him or his loved ones understand those feelings (and him).

• Speak up. Say what you want from the relationship. Ask him for what you want. Say what you admire about him. Ask him what it means to him to be your dad. Ask him to tell you stories about his youth and life. Tell him your stories.

• Take him seriously. Fathers sometimes hide behind what educator Jackson Katz calls a “Tough Guise.” They hunker down in silence and stoicism, or burst out with rage. One of the toughest things for a man is to feel disrespected. Disrespect can trigger violence, withdrawal, abandonment, and depression. Respect your father, if you can.

• Show him affection, if he’s trustworthy. Many men aren’t socialized to easily give or receive affection, which is vital for growth and security. If you are forthright with your affection, he may become more comfortable with accepting affection from you and others.

• Recognize your father hunger. We all crave the attention, approval, and affection of a father. This hunger can be a good thing, motivating us to become better people. But if your father hunger can’t be filled by your own father, then don’t “go looking for your daddy in all the wrong places.” Find healthy people and ways to help satisfy these essential needs.

• Detach lovingly. Always remember that you are not responsible for you father, his feelings, or his actions. The only person who can change him is him, and the only person who can change you is you. Don’t live your life in anticipation of, or in reaction to, what he might do or say.