Father Hunger: Is Your Agency Father-Friendly?

Research consistently shows that responsible involvement by fathers and stepfathers reduces risks for and improves the achievement of their children. It also increases the health of the father. Most professionals (and volunteers) in education and social services are women. To foster responsible father involvement, they must work consciously “across cultures” to communicate with and motivate fathers. Parenting requires emotional literacy. The male gender straightjacket makes it difficult, or even unacceptable, for boys and men to be emotionally literate. Instead, they hide behind what educator Jackson Katz calls “The Tough Guise.”

We must set aside some of our expectations when fathers sit down to talk. What I think is irrelevant might be central for him; a conversation I find stumbling and disjointed might be the first time he’s spoke to someone about being a dad – and those words might amount to great eloquence for him. It may seem frustrating to accommodate people “who should know better.” But, we must accommodate them if we want significant father involvement. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself, and things to consider.

• Does your program meet at a time of day when fathers and stepfathers can participate?
• Does your office and/or meeting space have a speaker phone or web cam? Many children live far away from their fathers, so such technology is vital for father participation.
• Do all of your forms include lines for names and contact info of fathers and stepparents?
• Is your program or office open on weekends? There may be only 1 or 2 weekends a year when a child’s live-away father is in your community; be available to him.
• Do you use terminology like “non-custodial” parent or “deadbeat dad?” Outdated “custodial” language promotes the notion of children as property to be battled over. Use accurate words like “live-away” or “live-with” parent/stepparent that are not loaded with negative connotations.
• Do you actively recruit and welcome all of a child’s parents and stepparents, even if the adults are no longer in a relationship with each other? Recognize that some children live only with a stepparent or grandparent?
• Do images and publications in your meeting spaces, offices, and waiting areas feature both fathers and mothers interacting with children? Families of different cultures, different sexualities, different constellations?
• Do you have fathers on your program staff or as visible volunteers?
• Do you regard divorced or live-away dads as failures, handicapped, inoperative, or irrelevant? How do you regard stepfathers? Successful live-away dads and stepfathers are the pioneers in father involvement, and can be very effective teachers. They show every father the value of creative communication, sacrificing to make time for children, and fathering on purpose. A child with involved parents and stepparents is twice blessed.

Adapted from Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughter by Joe Kelly.