Coping with Father Hunger

In her groundbreaking book Father Hunger, psychologist Dr. Margo Maine describes the powerful connection between daughters and fathers and stepfathers—and what happens when that connection is damaged or severed. She writes that the time invested in healing or coming to terms with daughter father relationships “will be well invested because your relationship with your dad is a blueprint for all interactions with men.”

Here are some of Dr. Maine’s ideas on how to cope with father hunger as an adult woman

Connect with yourself by discovering hidden meanings in your life that may be part of your father hunger:

1. If you don’t love yourself, could it be because you feel unloved by Dad?
2. If you focus overly on being successful in the male world, is it because you feel unappreciated by Dad?
3. If you behave rigidly, is that covering up inner turmoil?
4. If you maintain distance in relationships, are you actually longing for closeness—perhaps closeness you didn’t have with Dad?
5. If you deny all feelings, do you actually fear being overwhelmed by your emotion?

Get support. Get informal and formal help with questions like:

1. Have you ever been real, just yourself, with anyone? Describe what that felt like.
2. Do you think your father can accept you for who you really are? Can you talk with him about this?
3. What kinds of support are you ready and willing to seek out?

Connect to your father and/or stepfather:

1. Give him a chance
2. Use your “I” voice
3. Let go of the old and connect with the new
   Ask what you know about your dad’s life and how you could find out more.
4. If he is no longer part of your life, try writing your I-messages to him in an unsent letter. Who else can you share these feelings with?
5. Connect to other members of your family who may be supportive to you and help you to understand your father better.
6. Revise your relationships
7. Find a new role: if you risk changing a bit, your dad may also. It is worth a try.

Daughters of any age can survive father hunger and separation from self, to become a strong and assertive woman

Adapted from Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters and the Pursuit of Thinness by Dr. Margo Maine.