Communicating With Your Children’s Mother (& Even Her New Partner)

by Bill Klatte

Many relationships break up because of a lack of communication. Ironically, what the children of divorce need most from their parents is good parent-to-parent communication. This is hard, but far from impossible.

Here are Ten Commandments of Communication to deal with verbal conflicts that arise between parents. They provide guidance on how to handle yourself in almost any situation or interaction that comes up between you and your children’s mother and/or her family or new partner.

1. Know yourself; stop to examine you needs, motives, thoughts, feelings, and actions.
2. Never follow, threaten, harass, or physically harm your former partner or others in her family.
3. Keep conversations brief (but not too brief). Say what you need to say, but not much more, while listening and being willing to compromise.
4. Stick to the point.
5. Stay in the present; don’t try to win old battles, because that doesn’t help your kids.
6. Develop and use a conversational style that is civil or businesslike, if it can’t be friendly.
7. Assert yourself without being aggressive. Remember that she has as much right to disagree with you as you do to disagree with her.
8. Be honest about your actions, including your mistakes and your part in arguments.
9. Work with your child’s mother on parenting; cooperate with her as much as you can, keeping your kids out of the middle, regardless of what she does.
10. Don’t attempt to be perfect; it’s too much pressure, and besides it’s impossible.

Adapted from “Live-Away Dads: Staying a Part of Your Children’s Lives When They Aren’t a Part of Your Home” by William C. Klatte and used by permission.