Comfort Or Protect? Responding When Trouble Arises

It’s frightening to reflect on all the difficulties and dangers our daughters may encounter as they grow up. Whether or not these dangers materialize, we may feel drawn further into the overprotection trap, as if shoving our daughters into the storm cellar while we wave our shotguns wildly at the tornado.

Especially as our daughters get older, our role is to be by their side with support and comfort, rather than sitting on the cellar door to keep them from entering the turbulent world. We need to go beyond reflexive overprotection and into the more demanding practice of supporting and comforting.

As the writer Susannah Sheffer puts it: “If protection says ‘I will try to keep you from this,’ comfort says, ‘I am with you, and I will help you learn to get through this as best you can.’”

One of my daughters struggles with depression, so I’ve worried that she’ll follow me into the quagmire of alcoholism. I’m afraid that she’ll never fully appreciate and give herself credit for her wonderful qualities and accomplishments. Of course, if she chooses to, she can find resources to address these problems if and when they arise. That is no guarantee that everything will work out OK for her, however. As hard as that is to accept, it’s a basic truth of parenting.

My daughter was in chemical dependency treatment last year and the hardest thing was to fight my urge to go in there and rescue her. Everyone told me that the best thing for her was to have her face the consequences of what she was doing. I knew that in my head, but it was really hard to do. I really needed support from other parents, especially one or two other dads, but boy, that was really hard to ask for, too.

She’s getting better, but still struggling – I mean, she’s only a kid. But I’m starting to see that sometimes the pain’s a real tool. It helps her see how serious this is and gets her moving to do what she needs to do to get better.

That’s really hard to watch because she’s my little girl and Daddy’s supposed to be her protector. I know in my head that protecting her from the hurt or from the consequences, in a way, protects her from getting better. But, damn, that’s hard to let her hurt. It’s harder than going through all the chaos she put us through when she was drinking. – Chet

What Chet describes is probably the hardest line for any father to walk when his daughter becomes dependent on or addicted to drugs or alcohol. The chaos and pain can be so great that we will go to great lengths to deny their existence or severity. We will be tempted to try all manner of “solutions” before seeking effective help from others. We’ll turn to shouting, pleading, lecturing, punishing and dozens of other strategies before admitting that we can’t solve this problem for them.

When our daughters are very young, we really can protect them from most danger and fright. As they get older, we’re usually able to convince them that we’ll take care of troubles that come up, even if we can’t always solve them. But when they hit adolescence, their knowledge and powers of observation begin to prove that Daddy doesn’t have all the answers – indeed, he’s got insecurities and fears of his own. Two things can happen when that time comes.

We can remain silent and try to push stubbornly forward in our traditional protector role. The flaws in that role and our own imperfections remain visible to our daughters, however. Disillusionment can set in as our daughters see that, with our human weaknesses, we don’t measure up to the role we’re attempting to play.

Or, we can talk openly about the ways in which uncertainty, grief, fear or pain are as much a part of our lives as are passion, euphoria, beauty and love. In fact, we can tell them, “The best part of life is knowing that someone cares about us, not in knowing that someone will always be there to fix what’s wrong or hoping that nothing ever goes wrong.” Instead of disillusionment, our daughters learn that no one (not even Dad) is omnipotent, that comfort and love is even more valuable than solutions to our problems.

Adapted from Dads & Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughter by Joe Kelly and used by permission.