Alcohol, Tobacco & Drugs

Why do some girls have serious trouble and other girls don’t? There is no simple answer, and no simple way to prevent our daughters from drinking, smoking, using other drugs, or having other difficulties. But we can be sure that our deep and consistent involvement in our daughters’ lives will both lessen the odds of them getting into trouble, and increase the odds that we will cope better with the troubles that do arise. When it comes to a daughter’s chemical use, we fathers often overlook the role of her desire, and how much permission she has to express it.

Desire we plays a big part in how girls relate to alcohol and other drugs. Adolescence is a time of yearning; a big element of that yearning is sexual. Girls pine for a secret kiss with their “crush.” They desire the excitement of sexual activity and want to understand their emerging sexuality.

As boys and young men, we had more permission to express and act on sexual desires. In my high school, a guy with a reputation for sleeping around was a stud. A girl with a reputation for sleeping around was a slut. That double standard continues today, and girls know it. Meanwhile, media sells sex as the way to rebel and be cool, while culture mores and many parents continue to treat girls’ sexuality and sexual desire as bad. This creates a confusing, contradictory environment where it’s easy for girls to feel confusion, anger, self-doubt and like they’re getting unfair treatment.

One way girls may try to escape from that frustration is with alcohol or drugs.

Alcohol made it so I didn’t hear the voice in my head that says, “You’re a bad girl if you have sex. Only loose, immoral sluts do that.” It relaxed me some and quieted down that little voice so I could do the sexual things I wondered about. But because I was drinking, I didn’t really get to experience what I wanted anyway. – Louise

Girls may use alcohol as a tool (albeit an unhealthy one) to explore their sexuality – and to ignore the double standard that restricts their desires and denies their legitimate adolescent yearnings. They may also use drugs and alcohol to drown out guilt about their sexual desires and sexual behaviors.

Very often, fathers are the firmest enforcers of the idea that insists girls should feel anxious about sexual activity and avoid it in every circumstance. That can contribute to their sexual anxiety and guilt, for which alcohol and drugs seem to offer quick relief.

It’s a fair bet that you want your daughter to be valued for reasons other than her sexuality, especially by the boys and men with whom she has significant relationships. But she learns how to properly value her sexuality when you also want your daughter to be valued for reasons in addition to her sexuality. In other words, value her without denying her sexuality. She is likely to feel more in control of her sexuality, less vulnerable to abuse, and more able to fulfill her desires in healthy ways. A daughter living with expectations like this has much less motivation to turn to alcohol or drugs.

Sexual desires are not the only yearnings our daughters have. Girls yearn to be themselves, seek justice, be creative, make the world better, and have a host of other longings. As Nancy Gruver writes, “When we try to squeeze and stamp out girls’ sexual desires, it is very difficult for girls to trust and pursue their other desires. How well can they learn to reach for their dreams when we work so hard to deny them one of the most central desires? Then, to make matters even worse, when girls can’t seem to fulfill their non-sexual desires and find their goals, we ask, ‘Why don’t you know what you want? Why can’t you figure out what you need?’”

I’m not suggesting that the nonsensical messages we send girls about sexual desire are the only reasons a girl develops alcohol or drug problems. But clearly it is a common factor. It’s painful to try and stay true to yourself so much of what you encounter diminishes and dismisses your inner self. Alcohol and other drugs can be ways for girls to “forget themselves”; forget who they are. Sadly, chemicals also block out the healthy search for ways to grow during adolescence.

The combination of peer pressure and sexual pressures deeply entwined with chemical use remains a substantial threat to our daughters. That combination is a powerful reason to start early in encouraging your daughter to be true to herself and believe in herself.

Adapted from Dads & Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughter by Joe Kelly.