What If You Had Only a Few More Minutes With Your Child?

Early one morning, in the lobby of a Michigan motel, I read an online group where some fathers were discussing how to get the upper hand in arguments and legal battles with their exes—the mothers of their children.

I am certain that, somewhere else in cyberspace, mothers were discussing the same thing about their exes—the fathers of their children. I was staying in that Michigan motel on the way home from a funeral for a very wise and remarkable 7 year-old girl named Grace, who died in a traffic accident one week earlier.

Being divorced or living away from the mother of your child is hard. Even in the best of circumstances, it can be a frustrating, emotional roller-coaster. Many days, it looks and/or feels like Mom is undermining you and turning your child against you.

Indeed, one parent might try—and sometimes try hard—to alienate the other parent from the child. This can happen even when the parents are still married. However, it is unlikely for such efforts to succeed if the second parent does everything in his power to have a positive relationship with the child. Too frequently, that’s a big IF.

It is impossible for me to have the most positive relationship possible with my child if I trash or otherwise display disrespect and negative attitudes toward her mother. And even if the mother prohibits our child from communicating with me, I can still show loyalty to my child by continually letting her know that I love and care about her.

That may sound pie-in-the-sky, but I know men like Bruce Robertson who have endured years of no communication from a daughter. They will testify that unrelenting positive reaching out to the child paid off in the end. As she grows up, the child eventually has more control over who she does and doesn’t communicate with, and she usually responds—in the end—to genuine demonstrations of love and loyalty.

Disrespect toward one’s fellow parent is ultimately self-destructive. Even if the fellow parent is violent toward the child, and I have to go to court to protect that child, the child is ill-served if I show disrespect toward the other parent. She is still part of the child, even if her actions are irresponsible or dangerous. As author Bill Klatte and I put it in our “Tips for Live-Away Dads”:12tips.htm:

DON’T TRASH HER MOTHER. In word and gesture, I speak well about my daughter’s mom even when I’m angry at her—and even if she speaks poorly about me. If I have trouble speaking well, I will wisely say little. Negative talk about her mom is a little wound to my daughter, causing her to think less of herself, her mom and me. Trashing her mom or step-father through words or gestures (in public or at home) humiliates my daughter and damages my family. No matter the circumstances of our divorce, I respect that her mother’s new family is now part of my daughter’s family. I’ll keep my daughter out of the middle, even if others don’t, and I’ll resolve adult conflicts away from my daughter so she can be the child.

It is important to note that this approach does not, in any way, preclude sticking up for myself, my rights, and my attendant responsibilities. I can stick up for myself without putting the child in the middle. It also means processing my feelings about the struggle for my rights and responsibilities in a responsible way: with adults other than my child or her other parent.

Grace’s parents, Amy and Ryan, have always been serious and engaged parents. But even if they weren’t, do you doubt that neither would relinquish a single additional moment with Grace? Especially if they could reclaim that moment in exchange for dropping a battle to get the upper hand in an argument with one another or anyone else…or even a battle to obtain a right that was legally and/or morally theirs. Death has a way of putting such things in perspective.

If my child died tomorrow, what value would a battle with her mother hold? If her mother or I died tomorrow, would I want my child’s most lasting memories to be ones of us fighting with each other? What value do the battles bring to my child’s life today?

Full disclosure: I am not divorced (although my parents were). Still, I know well the urge to “punish” my child’s mother. But if I start acting to punish her, I will, in the end, punish my daughter; because I’d fail to gain anything positive for or with my child. I would instead be actively alienating my child from me, because I will be in a power/anger struggle (which is really about me and my pride) rather than investing that same energy is rearing my child.

Responsible parents teach our kids about the crucial difference between feelings and actions. We also have to show it by example. If I find myself acting childishly, then it’s time for me to do a gut-check and start looking for ways to change my attitudes and actions.

This is difficult to do. But parenting is often difficult. There’s no getting around that. That’s why we are so much better off when we learn to rely on veteran dads who’ve been down the road before us. They help light the path to the euphoria and connection and love that make all of the difficulty worthwhile.

And as I’m learning from Grace’s dad, Ryan, the loving father-daughter connection can even transcend death itself.